She's a _______ Mom.

From the type of whip we drive to the brand of diapers we use, moms are constantly getting lumped into categories and being labeled. From what I've gathered in the last 8 years on my parenting journey, these are the top five mama tribes we get classed into:

1. The Crunchy Mom. She's granola, probably drives a Subaru, and may or may not be a proponent of hair removal. She would sooner cut down a tree, than give her child a pack of fruit snacks, and swears by cloth diapers and unmedicated, at-home water birth. 😳 Yowza! She may or may not vaccinate (not my monkeys, not my circus), but don't worry, there's a new oil for Rubella. She is consistently judged for being so earthy, but she is the right mom for her children, so people should probably just mind their beeswax, and try using it for chapstick (a fella named Burt told me it's good for that). She is fierce and brave, and her theme song is "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles. Crunch on, Harmony!

2. The Sports Mom. You know the one. She is decked out head to toe in Rec Football paraphernalia, eye black and all. She carries pom poms in her car and never forgets her button picture at the house! Her kid is the best one on the team... and she knows it!! No one better touch her baby on that field or this mama is raisin' heyell. "We'll switch parks if they don't get their shit together", she cries. #12 is irreplaceable... in her mind. That's what makes Lisa a good mom. She sees her kid's potential and will do whatever it takes to make him better! She drives that suburban to the field three times a week, and plays her theme song loud and proud with the windows down, "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor.

3. The Working Mom. She leaves her child(ren) in the care of someone she trusts (hopefully 🙄) everyday so she can support her family and pursue her own career dreams outside of the home. She is stressed out and frazzled, but can multitask like no one else in the world and is proud to be an example of equality in the workforce! When she comes home from work, the last thing she wants to do is pack up her brood and head to the ballpark, but she'll be damned if her kid sits another inning because he missed too many practices. "Um, excuse me, coach, my child is practically on Chip Jones' level... and he's EIGHT." Crockpot meals are her jam. Wine and the Google family calendar are her very best friends. She is constantly judged for not staying at home, but has made the right choice for she and her family, so step off, Judy. I'm sure it's not obvious that I am one of these 🤣. Little defensive, much?! Our theme song is "Work B**ch" by the one and only B. Spears. (Mostly because sometimes when trying to get everyone to where they have to be, we would rather shave our heads and spend a few weeks at Sobriety by the Sea to gather our feelings.)

4. The Stay At Home Mom. Her days are filled with tummy time, Sprout, and endless dishes and laundry. Sidebar:: I always say my house would be way cleaner if I were a SAHM. That's total bullshit. If my little people were home all the time, my house would look like Joe's apartment. They live like animals. I digress. Back to Rebecca. She counts down the days until moms night out, but wouldn't trade being home with her little crazies for anything in the world! She loves Disney movies as much as her kids do and also has a Disney vacation count down on her iPhone. She is the coupon clippingest mom of the bunch and would eat Ramen for dinner before buying something at Publix that isn't a bogo. She is frugal as hell and has the patience of Dr. Phil. She threatens to pull the van over at least twice a day. She, too, is the perfect mom for her babies. Her theme song is Shake it Off, by my girl T. Swift... because whether it's spaghettios in your hair or the latest tantrum from your perfect little threenager, sometimes you have to just shake that shit off.

5. The Empty Nester. This mom has made it. She has raised her little birds the best she knew how and they have flown away. If all works out, it's a breeze from here. She gets to watch them grow and make their own choices. She gets to love on her children and grandchildren, but also goes to Karaoke at the local watering hole as much as she wants. "Get out, kids! Mic drops at 7:30 and Grandma Nancy needs a good seat!" 🎤 (I have a semi secret obsession with the ancient art of Kara-oke. I pretend I don't love it, but good or bad, I love it all!) She misses her birds, but appreciates the freedom to remember her favorite things to do in life and focus on herself and her marriage. I look forward to this stage and smile, but then I remember how time goes by way too quickly. It is my ultimate goal to live in every moment until I reach this green pasture.

We as a culture spend so so much time mom shaming each other it is gross. For Pete's sake: You. Do. You. God gave those little rascals to you for a reason. Love them. Make them good people. That's what keeps me up at night. Will our kids still be good people when they are grown folk? We're doing our best not to raise assholes. I guess that's all we can do.

#winethoughts #parenting #theanxietymom #dontraisejerks