Jean Squats and Muffin Tops

Lets just be real for a few about the things women do to make ourselves appealing. The following list is a compilation of the most idiotic things that we put ourselves through just to walk away and think "mama's still got it!"...

1. Jean. Stretches. Now friends, you know we are all guilty of squats, lunges, and various yoga poses while putting on our skinny jeans. I have quite literally almost pulled a hammy doing this before.  And if you are doing this activity within six months (or possibly 6 years) of child birth, then there is likely a hair tie around the button and a slight muffin top going on when you're done. But kudos to you, mama, those bitches are painted on, and who cares if your husband knows you're being held in by a Goody elastic?!? He already married your fluffy ass. Enjoy your evening. And your margaritas.

2. Wax on, wax off. Whether you go to the local spa to get a Brazilian 😳, or just the occasional nail salon eyebrow job, the cost of hairless beauty is pain. Lots of pain. Keep up the waxing, gals, no man I know has ever expressed his affinity for a hairy lady. Sidebar:: What is up with the little ladies in the nail salon always asking me if I want "lip wax too"? I have asked my most honest friends (who I know would tell me) as well as some strangers (just to be sure I didn't need new friends) and the consensus is no, I do not have a mustache. I understand the art up-selling, but maybe an ocean scene on my big toes would be a little less offensive of a suggestion. Just sayin'.

3. Those shoes though. You know the pair, the first hour and a half you are Gisele, strutting your stuff down the imaginary runway. The rest of the evening you are more like a baby gazelle, that got left by its mother when it couldn't walk after two hours of being born. Those animals are ruthless. Almost ALL children left behind (watch Animal Planet if you don't believe me). Personal story... my friend Jess got married in Charleston, SC a few years back. I wore smokin' hot coral hiiiiiigh heels. My calves were on point. My man thought I was hot. I was winning. Problem: it was a daytime wedding with an open bar and the reception ended when it was still light out. There was no convincing this mama on the town it was later than it was and time to hit the hay. I was going out, and I'll be damned if I was going to change into the sensible Target sandals that were in the car in case of emergency (or intoxication). Laying on my back on the concrete entryway of Charleston's Buffalo Wild Wings with what I thought was for sure a broken ankle swelling out of those fancy shoes really made me wish I had changed into my soccer mom outfit after so many fireball shots. Like I said before... he already married my fluffy ass.

4.  Spanx are the devil.  Sometimes we need a little extra smoothing in the middle region (especially if we have birthed a little person recently... I mean ever).  Sometimes our only options are a bigger dress or the dreaded Spanx.  The maneuvers we do to put those bad boys on are hilarious!  Picture Neo from the Matrix, but with a serious look of constipation on his face.  That is the process that is painting those damn things on our bodies.  The struggle is real.  And let's not even begin to discuss what happens when you've had a few too many beers and need to pee quick.  Pray and run, or else you may be going commando for the rest of the evening, bumps and lumps on display.  There has to be a better way, which leads me to final item on my list...

5.  Dieting is for the birds.  Watching all of your friends eat cheeseburgers and fries while you make sensible food choices makes us want to punch someone in the face.  It's necessary, especially before summertime, or any function where you want people to think you're hotter than you used to be.  We live for "wow, girl, you look great!".  "Oh really? Thanks! I haven't really been doing anything different." LIES!! You have been living off of celery and egg whites for the last 6 months for that comment.  And it was worth it!  Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, friends.  That's just true.  Except for beer and oysters in the Gulf. And Sushi from Minato (best sushi in Atlanta, no doubt).  Those things I cannot turn down.

We all are guilty of at least some of these practices, and what we want the fellas to know is that we know we are crazy.  Don't point it out or I will never look this good again.  Nothing makes a woman want revenge like being called crazy.  Just ask any of my past suitors.  It never ends well.  Hang in there, ladies, we only have so many years where looking "hot" is acceptable.  We will be able to retire our high heels and Spanx one day.  Until then, jean squats it is!