I Pee When I Sneeze

Okay, friends. It’s time to get real. Like really real. I’ll start...

Why is it that every time I sneeze, I pee myself a little?! I’ll tell you why! It’s those two youngest little angels of ours that were apparently wielding samurai swords on their way into this world. I’m not sure what they did to my old bladder, but I’d like it back. I know that much.

I appreciate the miracle of child birth just as much as the next gal, don’t get me wrong. Before you go getting all mad because I am slandering the miracle that is shoving a person out of your Britney, don’t. Just relax. I do realize that without that miraculous event, none of our little angels would even be here (whether YOU birthed them yourself or not)... and that makes it special. I don’t use the term “beautiful” because, having gone two rounds with those little ninjas, I know for certain that process is NOT a thing of “beauty”.

I just want to keep it real for the expectant moms out there who think they are going to check in to L&D like they are going on a weekend getaway at Chateau Elan. Listen up, youngins!

Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Now what? I’ll tell you what. First things first... you are now practically narcoleptic. Might want to invest in a helmet and a Snuggie because I am not kidding when I say that early stages of pregnancy make you want to fall over and take a nap right in the Target maternity isle. I’d hate for you to hit your head on the table of stretchy pants on the way down, so the helmet is key. Also, you are now the most sensitive person in the world. “Why did you look at me like that, Pete? You don’t love me anymore?!” 😭 “Damnit, Barb! Don’t you know I’m a human faucet over here?! Stop sending me military homecoming videos and biggest loser transformation stories on the emails! Gah!” Don’t worry mama, you’ll get your sanity back. Only 8 months to go! Mwahahahaha.

Now you’ve been cooking that baby for a few weeks and you start to pack on the pounds! Sound advice... ready... that child is the size of a Lima bean. You are NOT eating for two lumberjacks, although you may be hungry enough for that. Put the effing Pop Tarts down!! Trust me on this. S’mores pop tarts are doing nothing for the growing child in your womb or for the size of your growing ass. You’re in that weird stage where it’s hard to tell if you’ve been stress eating or are, in fact, knocked up.

​Sidebar:: Man! I could really go for a S’mores pop tart right now. #momproblems #ketoproblems #dontjudgeme #ijuststartedmydiettoday. Don’t get it twisted! Those junk food cravings don’t stop just because the baby comes. You’ll be fighting that sweet tooth for life, girlfriend! And I dare you not to eat one chicken nugget out of the air fryer as you make their plates when you’re too lazy to really cook. Double. Dog. Dare. I digress.

Second trimester is finally here! Boy or girl? You feel like a million bucks! You are obviously pregnant and your boobs are finally coming in. This may not be so bad after all. Hold on mama, here comes the boom. Boom! Your mind was just blown! Why, you ask? I’ll tell ya. Because you just got hit with the real talk that you are about to be in charge of another human life for. ev. er. If he doesn’t eat - your fault. If he doesn’t sleep - all your fault. If he gets sick - you shouldn’t have vaccinated/breastfed/co-slept/daycared/insert soapbox here. You young mamas need to brace yourselves for the judgement that comes along with raising little people. Thicken that skin, pretty girl, it’s a jungle out there!! 🦓🐆🐅

Phase three. You’re huge. You’re hot. You pee every five minutes because your once flat tummy is now another person’s very own SkyZone. You have an interesting gait these days, some might even describe it as a waddle. Your ankles have taken a vacation (don’t worry... you’ll get those back soon!). You’re leaking out of your tatas anytime anyone starts crying. You’re almost to the finish line! Enjoy cuddling that body pillow now, because the next phase is smelly diaper butts in your face, while all you wanted was an afternoon nap with your sweet baby angel.

Whether you home birth,water birth,no meds,ALL the meds 🙋‍♀️, adopt, or however you choose to bring that bundle of joy into the world... don’t ever forget that he or she is your person now, and will change your life forever. My mom has taught me to always make time... And my wish for you, young mama, is to do just that. Pick them up, listen to them, go on the field trip, sign them up for sports, eves drop on them any chance you get, and last but not least, take it from me, don’t forget to cross your legs EVERY time you sneeze. #subtlereminders of the longest and most rewarding year of your life! ❤️

#theanxietymom #realtalk #FYIimNOTpregnant