He’s Kidnapping Me!!!

Imma tell you a story about a friend of a friend, and because of HIPAA laws we shall call her Becky with the good hair.

This. Girl. It’s Saturday night, she is visiting from Las Vegas, and she is ready to partayyyy!! Kids are taken care of and she is going to a football game. Just like the golden days, right?! Wrong. She is on this low carb diet where she has to count the carbs even if she looks in the window at The Cheesecake Factory (she is finally tired of telling people she “really does have a small frame”.... prove it, bitch!), so she skipped all the meals on that fine, Fall college game day.

Her team wins the game so what does she do, you ask?! Celebrates with Fireball... handmade by the Devil himself. I just wonder when on God’s green Earth has that ever worked out for her?! I don’t want to be too judgy, though, so I don’t point that out. Oh, what’s that you say?! Vegas bomb?! Well of course he will, and two for my good friend Becky! What should she do next? Bed? Ice cream? Take some damn ibuprofen to prevent the hell that will be called Sunday? NO EFFING WAY! We’re going to the Battery!!!! For those non-Atliens, the Battery is the most amazing MLB stadium in all the land, because you don’t even need tickets to experience a wonderful time! Not a time like Becky, or if you are into that type of night - go ahead. No judgement here.

She’s swirlin’ around like Bernie, and her good man, Ethan, decides it’s time to go. So he responsibly calls a Lyft. They’re better than Uber. No competition. However, Becky with the good hair is NOT ready to leave yet. So she acts like her husband is kidnapping her yelling “I don’t wanna go! I wanna stay! It’s so FUN!”. She is white girl wasted and should not be in a public place any longer. She makes fun of the Lyft driver the whole ride home behind her back, as if it is her fault that Ethan is a party pooper. Bless that sweet starving actress’ heart. She’s just trying to make it in the Biz... but our friend B from the HOA is just trying to rage, so stop yapping and take her back to the bar!!

Now I have a confession. I am Becky, and we are not friends. Every now and again, that girl comes out, guns a blazin’ and even Ethan, I mean Evan, can’t reel that one in. He still loves me. He’s not mad. He didn’t get arrested. Neither did I. I feel better now. I had water with dinner for a week if that gives you any idea of how shitty this mama felt the next day. I drink wine like it’s my job, but Black Box Pinot had a slight dip in sales this week.

But here we are at the beginning of the weekend again, and I have very high hopes that Becky will stay her ass in Vegas this time. My kids have sports to play and this busy mama ain’t got no time to hang over.

#confessions #gameday #poorchoices #welovelyft #theanxietymom #beckywiththegoodhair