For any of my reader friends who don’t know... my mom has ALS. And it sucks. Bad. To compare this journey to a rollercoaster ride is an understatement at best. At times I wish I could take her place, and then I feel guilty for that because I have children and a husband whom I love very much, and can’t imagine their lives without their crazy mama/wife. Other times I am trying to get my doctorate on WebMD to cure ALS and Lyme’s disease (yes, technically she has both?? What kind of bullshit is that?!?). I wrote a letter to an organization that has done so much research, begging for help today. I don’t understand and I am desperate.
“Sometimes bad things happen to good people” they say. “It’s part of His plan” I hear often. Sayings like that are like daggers in my heart. Obviously I know bad shit happens to good people. I kind of feel like my family wrote the book on that one to be honest. I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about the most wonderful and respected people in my tribe, my mother and her father (who passed in April).
I worked with my mom before she got sick. She has hundreds of clients that love her dearly, and have subsequently loved me as well. For that I am very grateful. I took over the company and am doing everything I can to find my way through the new normal of my career (don’t panic, A+Tax is still there and doing just fine 😉). If I didn’t work there, though, then work would be an escape for me each day. A welcomed distraction. Instead, it has turned I to a place where I give updates to every caring person who walks through the door or calls on the phone, and walk away quietly wiping tears thinking about all she is going through and praying for a miracle. All while doing the job of two people. My coworkers are amazing in comforting me during those times, and for that I appreciate them that much more!
I get asked how I am doing a lot. The answer is that I am broken. My wings are clipped. I am sad. My heart is crushed as it was in April and as it was 12 years ago this past February, when my only sibling tragically died in a canoe accident. When is enough enough? Why THOSE people? We don’t know. It is what it is... right now. My husband has been my rock and I am so thankful to have him by my side. My Dad has been incredible and I can only hope if I were in that situation I would get the same quality of care. People who I never would have imagined have reached out and that means so much to me! I am tired of lying to people and saying I am good, but I have to.
This is my outlet to say how I really feel. I will be okay. I know that because it really is part of HIS plan, and bad things really do happen to good people. Sometimes you just want the plan to be different and you wish you weren’t the good people that bad shit is happening to.
This struggle is real life. Kids and tablets are such a bad combo... or not? My threenager is OBSESSED with the “hapad”. Morning, noon, and night I am reassuring her that it is unharmed on top of the refrigerator, and after some good behavior it can be allllll hers for an undetermined amount of time. (Depends on how productive I want to be.) That conversation ultimately leads to a laying on the floor, kicking, screaming fit that usually contains the words: “I never get my hapad!!!” and “You’re not my best friend anymore... daddy is!!!”. 👈 The ultimate mom slam. Especially coming from a daughter. Girl, if it weren’t for me you’d be wearing turtlenecks with ballet tights and combat boots to school. Don’t forget who styles your sassy ass, ya little diva.
There are some times when the tablet is a God-send. Like in a restaurant when the kitchen is “backed up” because there are 14 people in the building right now. Or at a winter concert for your 5th grader when you have to sit through the entire 2 hour performance to see your little angel ding finger sized bells at the end. To the Stepford mom who gave me side eye for giving in to my toddler’s demands and letting her watch strange videos of other people’s children opening shitty McDonalds toys during the performance: Merry Christmas to you from row 25. You would have never been able to hear your darling Chloe sing that traditional Kenyan holiday song like Britney Spears over the fake cries coming from my little terrorist so..... You’re Welcome!!! And if you think for one second I am getting a sitter for this event, you. are. high.
**Sidebar: Our gal was the most beautiful and talented bell dinger I ever did see 🛎. “Happy Holidays from Near and Far” was a magical experience. We went around the world in two hours thanks to the creative genius behind that production!**
On the flip side... that contraption is the damn devil!! My child eats, sleeps, and breathes that “hapad”, and every day around the Jones crib is a negotiation over screen time. What happened to a good ol’ fashioned board game?! It makes me feel like a bad parent when she refuses to eat her dinner unless she gets her 15 minutes of weirdest videos ever made. People make money off of that shit!?!
If anyone knows the trick to make her more interested in real things than the Daddy Finger song, then feel free to share. If you don’t know what that is, google it. So effing weird. And if you are going to chime in... keep your “you shouldn’t have let her watch it in the first place” theory to yourself. That can has already been opened and cannot be closed, and like I said before, it is a necessary evil at times. To all of the parents going through the same struggle: Hang in there!! You aren’t alone.
#theanxietymom #thingstoworkon #thestruggleisreal