I am all for progression and innovation. You wanna know what I'm not all for? Trying to build a house with spaghetti noodles. Or using a toothpick to flip a grilled cheese. (You can tell I've been low carb for a few weeks 😐) Or using a ridiculous number line instead of learning real math. Honestly! What would one of my clients say if I were trying to adjust a deduction or something and I were like "hold on, pal, I'm drawing out my tens".

Regular math has worked for a looooooooong time, friends. Who are we to reinvent the wheel?! I am concerned for generation "number line". "But it makes it easier", they say. Shit ain't always supposed to be easy, folks!! What happens when they grow up to be even whinier than many of those in the generation before hand? I won't call them out because then their feelings may get hurt (uh em... millenials... uh em... My goodness, I've got a frog in my throat!). You know, the ones who invented participation trophies and 32 hour work weeks.

I,myself, have recently been informed that technically I am one of "them". I'm a senior millennial, but one nonetheless. I prefer what one of my favorite morning shows, The Bert Show, calls people my age, "the Oregon Trail Generation". It was hard out there for a traveler. If it weren't starvation, it was dysentery that got ya. We had to problem solve and handle our own business. If we forgot our homework, we got in trouble. Our mommies didn't bring it to us. And call me Miss Hannigan (again), but I don't bring mine theirs either.

The drama is getting strong at school these days! Everything is offensive and there is no accountability anymore. Time to cut the cord a little, in my opinion. I made my child do his homework five times tonight because it wasn't right. We have to either train them up, or commit to working for the rest of our lives, and I would prefer to retire one day. #commoncoreisridiculous #oregontrailgeneration #thebertshow

Let us take a moment to reflect on the differences between men and women. Not to bitch about the other gender, because I am sure my female ways drive my better half equally as crazy as his do me, but a little observation can be healthy sometimes.

***Disclaimer: My husband is not guilty of all of the behaviors I am about to question. Some of them I hear from friends and thought they would be worth mentioning.***

Questions for the fellas...

Why is it that when the diaper is full of crap, your sense of smell becomes disabled until the mom is around? Y'all have got to tell us how to turn that feature off!! 💩 It's like a smell-off until one of us caves or says "not it!".

What on God's green Earth are you doing in the bathroom for an hour every day? Even if you are on the phone, isn't that uncomfortable after a while? The seat is far from made of memory foam, so it seems a little desperate to hide out in there for so long each day. Come on out, dads, your kids won't bite. Oh wait, they might. Never mind. Better stay in there. I'm going in next!

How do you not freak out when you are running late for something? I literally feel like my heart is a ticking time bomb when I am late for something, important or not (any of friends will tell you that punctuality is a real problem for me), and you are just gonna finish your show and then hop in the shower 5 damn minutes before we leave the house?!? No! Go dirty! No one will notice because you take 2-3 showers per day. Spray on a little Aqua (ladies you know that stuff is dreamy!) and get on the bus!!! I will not be the last one to our family Christmas party so that everyone can give the ridiculous pre-planned applause when we walk in because you forgot you needed to shave your face.

Dudes with babies/toddlers... diaper bags are life!! They are essential to surviving outside of the hub. Please stop forgetting them. We have an endless supply of wipes and dipes at home, and nothing pisses a mama off more than to have to stop on the way and buy unnecessary shit. Don't leave the house without the "pack pack"!!

When you deep clean one thing, like your truck for instance, why you give me the stank eye when I leave one gum wrapper in there? I pick up after you all day, ayyyyydayyyyy, and rarely say shit about it. My car looks like an atomic bomb went off inside (because of your children), but your ride looks like Xhibit just hooked your ass up. Just sayin'.

Why is man flu worse than woman flu? You get the sniffles and practically plan your funeral, while we get strep throat from one of the kids and have to press on. I have literally seen you almost cut your finger off and be less dramatic than the last sinus infection you had. Pull it together, man, the world is still spinning.

Last but not least, let's talk about sex. If you ignore us all day, please don't try to reenact The Notebook when the makeup comes off and our head hits the pillow. A little attention goes a long way during the day if you're trying to do the grown up at lights out.

Men, we love you! We appreciate you! If I wanted a partner exactly like me, I'd be Lebanese, but damn if I wouldn't like to understand you a little better! I'd love to hear a man's perspective on the scenarios mentioned above.

Respecfully,

Inquiring Lady Minds

It happens to all of us at some time or another. We become uncool. We're no longer hip and with it. For me, it was in my sister's minivan, a Volkswagen Routan to be exact, just this past Monday. We had just dropped all of the kids off for a mental health day and were on the way to the spa when I said: "Damn, girl! This radio station is on point! MJ, *NSYNC, AND Journey?!" {Insert sister's roar of laughter.} Then I looked and realized it was B98.5 and I knew it was all over. For my non-Atlien friends, B98.5 is where popular songs go to die. I was no longer cool. Or young. Still fun, no doubt, but that last little hope of fitting in with the youngins just flew out the window of that Routan (along with my arm while doing some sweet boy band moves... Bye Bye Bye anyone?).

We hold on to our youth so hard that for a good solid 5 years in our late twenties, we are reaching for something we can never be again. College is over. Nights of drinking until 3 am and going to work at 8 are long gone, my friends. We are parents, for Pete's sake!! It doesn't mean we can't have fun every once in a while, and relearn the same damn lesson time and time again by drinking the Devil's mouthwash (AKA Fireball). It just means that little humans depend on our decision making and the freedom that once was - is no more. I wish I would have had this realization a couple of years ago, though, because now the fun begins. Embarrassing our kids with killer raps and the Tootsie Roll, and going to bed early on a Friday night because you have a real big day of shopping at the Garden Ridge and Krogers tomorrow, and you don't want to feel bad for that.

I am obviously exaggerating, but I truly am excited about the next phase of my life!! I am ready to embrace my older self and enjoy my new idea of fun (hopefully a smaller self too - thanks to the insanity that is a ketogenic diet that we are on now... here's to getting back to "dating weight"). #everythinghascarbs 😫

I don't need to be a cool mom. I need to be a good mom, who makes life fun for myself, my Hubbs, AND my kids! So in a final goodbye to our younger selves moment... my sister and I got our noses re-pierced... at a tattoo joint on a Monday... while wearing matching Mom Life sweatshirts and yoga pants... before picking the kids up from school. Sionara 20's. Hello to the new Cristi, comfortable in her skin, and not even the slightest bit embarrassed by her strange passion for Journey and sunglass leggings on a wild Friday night at home!